Random Nugget: Aliens get a fabulously boring makeover from NASA

Where are the aliens from? Earth, dumbass.

When NASA announced they would reveal an incredible discovery in astrobiology that would affect the all-important search for extraterrestrial life, many of us had visions of tentacled centaurs that shoot lasers from their eyes prancing about in the foggy smog of Jupiter’s alien super swamps.

Instead, we got pond scum in California.

Nice work, NASA. Although the discovery of a bacteria that feeds on and incorporates arsenic into its DNA is a big deal (to you), you didn’t really need to get everybody all worked up. A simple press release would have sufficed. No need to go all LeBron on us with your agonizing delays before a predictably uninteresting announcement.

But then again, we’re all suckers for the old “Alien News!” teaser. Let’s just hope that the arsenic-loving bacteria doesn’t decide to take its talents to South Beach.

How to avoid ‘death by hurricane’

Coming to a terrified city near you.

With hurricane season unveiling its new fall lineup, folks living in the Caribbean, Mexico and the Gulf Coast are gearing up for what promises to be one spectacular shit-storm of bad luck and worse weather.

On the bright side, there are some basic components to a good hurricane survival plan, including:

• Not living on or near coastlines that are repeatedly targeted by Nature’s unstoppable fury;
• Driving as fast as possible in the opposite direction of the massive, belligerent cloud-beast;
• Not getting drunk on the beach in flip-flops while filming the swirling juggernaut; and
• Not counting on the government to provide any kind of relief or assistance whatsoever.

While these tips provide a solid foundation for hurricane survival, it’s best to cover your bases and read some real survival strategies should you ever find yourself in the path of destruction. And just to be safe, get yourself one of these little buggers, guaranteed to save your life should you ever need two feet of rope or a really, really ugly bracelet.

Random Nugget: Interspecies breeding and you

No caption necessary.

We’ve all heard the ubiquitous jokes about lonely farmers and frightened sheep; the bizarre stories of a select few “animal enthusiasts”; and even that old yarn regarding a hazily remembered “mudshark incident” during a Led Zeppelin tour stop.

But who could have known that the same practice responsible for these amusing tidbits is not merely relegated to perverts with a penchant for bestiality, but may also be a fledgling hobby of Mother Nature herself—one that may have led to the creation of the human race as we know it today.

That’s right: You and I could be the descendants of an early torchbearer of interspecies hybrids, a category that includes man-made abominations such as the liger, the zorse, and the wholphin, according to the New York Times.

Various kinds of evidence indicate that modern humans migrated out of Africa and reached the Middle East more than 100,000 years ago and Europe by about 45,000 years ago, and would have or could have encountered Neanderthals for some time in each locale. The crucial question for paleontology, archaeology, and paleogenetics has been what transpired between the two species. To put it a little more crudely, did we date them or kill them, or perhaps both?

I can imagine the pick-up lines now: Do you have any Neanderthal in you? No? Would you like to?

While this new development is significant if not startling, it comes as no shock to those familiar with the disturbingly hilarious “Kids in the Hall” character affectionately known as the Chicken Lady. But whatever the evidence may bring to bear, the fact remains that all animals—regardless of species—need a little lovin’ every now and then.

Random Nugget: The secret life of beer

Mmm...

If you’re like me—fat, lazy and often bored out of your mind—you’ve probably had a nip or two from a cold, delicious beer: an aromatic libation fit for the gods (and anyone else with 99 cents for a tallboy).

But according to this alcoholic infographic, beer has had an addictive grip on Earth’s inhabitants since the advent of civilization nearly 10,000 years ago, when the Babylonians apparently grew tired of paradisiacal sobriety and turned to hot, drunken war-mongering.

While interesting, the former statement is not all that surprising. A more shocking revelation may be that today, the Irish—the proud island-dwellers who relish their reputation as the world’s most drunken people—come in second to the Czechs as the planet’s largest consumers of beer.

As the eminent Irishman Kelly O’Brien O’Flannigan Houlihan once said: “‘Ooh the ‘ell cares … another pint, Laddy!”

Baseball, America’s (anticlimactic) pastime

We'll wake you in October.

Spring training for Major League Baseball’s 2010 season is underway. The excitement is palpable. Teams are evaluating young talent, setting pitching rotations, prepping for pennant runs and scaling down rosters in anticipation of opening day in April.

And then … thud.

After the initial euphoria caused by baseball’s return, fans are hit with the sudden realization that more than half a year’s worth of idle base-runners, pitcher’s mound conferences, and infield fly-rules remain until the excitement of the postseason begins. In no other sport is there such a mind-numbing lull between the start of the season and anything even resembling a meaningful game.

Just imagine the intensity of a June afternoon matchup between the third-place Colorado Rockies and the fourth-place San Diegzzzzzzz—oh, sorry I just fell asleep while writing that sentence.

And therein lies the true nature of baseball enjoyment—get excited, drink a few beers, get comfortable and feel free to blackout, because this shit’s going to last a long, loooooooong time.

*SPOILER ALERT* The Yankees will probably win it all again. Now we can enjoy the next seven months waiting for football season.

 

Random Nugget: Did you feel that?

You may not have noticed, but in the last second, 50 million solar neutrinos passed through your body at the speed of light, then plowed through the entirety of the Earth before emerging on the other side unnoticed, continuing their journey through the universe. Didn’t even feel a slight breeze, did you …

The Super-K neutrino detector in Hida, Japan.