The Farce that is ‘Cyber Monday’: How to Create a Shopping Holiday from Thin Air

Ooh, that fleece hoodie is just adorable ... and the price is so low!

As if the hype surrounding Black Friday and its phony four-items-in-stock bargain-basement deals wasn’t sufficiently stomach-churning, the outright sham that is Cyber Monday is enough to justify random and unnecessary acts of violence on retail industry CEOs.

According to CNN’s Jon Sutter, the pseudo-event was not only created from corporate thin air five years ago by Shop.org, but the Monday after Thanksgiving isn’t even among the most active days for e-commerce. In fact, there really aren’t any more deals or discounts online on Cyber Monday than on any other day of the year.

Shop.org, which coined the term “Cyber Monday” and operates a retail website called CyberMonday.com, says nine in 10 online retailers are offering Cyber Monday deals this year. But read the fine print and that statistic loses some of its shine. That data is based on a survey of 51 online retailers, and the majority of those said to be offering Cyber Monday deals aren’t targeting the Monday after Thanksgiving specifically.

All this manufactured marketing and consumer bamboozlement begs the question: What other fictitious shopping “holidays” are just waiting to be coined, implemented and unleashed on less-than-savvy shoppers?

How about “White Tuesday,” in which Caucasian folks purchase gifts as reparations for their African-American friends, acquaintances and co-workers for Martin Luther King Jr. Day?

Or perhaps “Strap-On Saturday” and “Anal Wednesday,” to coincide with various gay pride parades? We can make it all part of National Dildo Month.

Ridiculous? Offensive? Tell that to the anything-for-a-dollar CEOs scamming consumers with their shady celebrations of non-existent bullshit. If anyone was in need of one massive butt plug, it’s them.

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